Whoa, the internet, this shit makes me crazy.  Not going to lie, been feeling pretty down for a hot minute, and I’m not really sure why.   Here’s another post to try and put my finger on whats keeping me from myself lately.

First, stumbling across 1,500 hits in a day or so makes it harder to write here – I keep thinking about writing towards a vaguely skeptical, indefinite audience, rather than for myself.  So, another post.

I can’t seem to keep my focus lately, for all kinds of reasons.  For a while I blamed the internet (spent a lot of time cruising while working recently), and a while after that, stress following a pretty hectic end of the semester.  Now, I’m not so sure – everything seems in a row outwardly, but I still can’t finish a book.  I drift.  For the past few weeks, I have tried to put myself back into the zone, purposefully.  A friend challenged me to seek that purpose, but I never quite found it.  I remembered that I won’t find mental refuge waiting for everything else to clear up, I have to make time to do and know what I want from life.

I really miss debate.  I miss the pressing direction it gives your life, knowing arguments to cut, ideas to deconstruct.  I don’t have that now, I have notions and a great gray blur beginning next May that is my future.  Maybe it has to do with being in one place for the first time ever.  Literally: I’m farther away from home, longer, than I’ve ever been.   As it stands, I don’t plan on leaving, and I don’t know how to deal with that.  Every other point up until now, I was working uphill, proving myself to the point of reaching somewhere greater, and now that I’ve arrived somewhere that suits me and could take me anywhere, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Maybe this feeling happens after you don’t fail to reach your goals, but rather they fail you.  College Debate: too petty, too incestuous to continue.  Grad school: all it took was one class – but mainly the people in the class – to drive me off the idea.  Grad students seem really sad, in more ways than one.  Whatever New York Media Life: seems to be run by random chance or trickery.  Exhausting.  Activism: so, so tiring.  I just want someone to keep up , trying to feel like a leader wears you the fuck out.

Perhaps this is why I’ve been so gadgety lately – I got a new camera, and I treated the whole purchase like a competition, to take better photos, to find the right one at the right price from the right person… and in the end, still feels petty.  I guess those sad middle aged men pursuing their dreams via gadget blogs and Apple fetishes are really just trying to prove their existence isn’t an endless rehashing of what has gone before.  The myth of a better tool at the lower price proves the whimsy of corporate power and the stagnation of maturity have yet to fully take hold.  At least I felt that way.

All I want is to finish a book, to have my boundaries move outward.  I keep reading the same shit over and over, because I don’t even know where to go after this.  Last summer I had a stack waiting for me, I got onto the right foot in May.  This summer I had nowhere to begin, because college bored me to breakdown, and I couldn’t find anything to break me out of the stupor.   To no avail.

I feel like a fucking adult for the first time in my life, and it bores me.  Immensely.


One response to “M-m-melancholy.

  1. I relate to you completely on feeling like you have to monitor and to some extent censor what you want to say now that you’re catering to a larger audience. I’ve been struggling a lot with that recently with my blog. I like the path that it’s on, but now I’m constantly second guessing myself and terrified of negative comments (I have thin skin, afterall) and I end up not being honest in the way I used to because I don’t want to upset people. It’s hard to reconcile being yourself and writing honestly with writing for an audience that expects certain things from you.

    I have book recommendations that might break you out of your nonreading cycle. We can talk about them when we hang out.

    Good luck. I wish I had advice. I’m in pretty much the same exact spot as you right now.

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